Body “Issues”
I know we took a break from all the COVID content, but there were still a few of you who voted for something to do with it, and this is what is relevant for me right now. This is a scary thing for me to post. I have learned I don’t like exposing imperfections – who does? I think I started noticing that with my singing. I hate karaoke, and I hate practicing in front of people because I don’t like people hearing me until I’ve come as close to perfection as I can get. One time, when I was younger, I had a concert to perform in while my uncle was visiting. I didn’t realize he would be in our house the morning of and I needed to warm up. If you’re not a singer, or aren’t familiar with “warming up”, let me just say there’s a lot of weird and strange sounds that come from singers when we do. It’s normal to us, but to other people it’s a little weird. I started to panic – I’m talking full-on meltdown/tantrum. It was a sassy, tearful mess and my parents were so confused. They didn’t understand. They didn’t see the issue – “You practice in front of us all the time!” “He doesn’t care!” But it didn’t matter. It was someone who I had not built that close trust with hearing my imperfections and I wasn’t having it. My Dad ended up going for a walk with my Uncle which was basically just a nice way of kicking him out so I could get ready. In hindsight, I could have handled that situation better. Less sass and shutting down and more calmly explaining my feelings, but in the moment, I was panicked and I don’t think I really understood why. All that to say, that this is really hard for me, because I feel like I’m admitting imperfections.
Since lockdown, I’ve gained, what feels like, a lot of weight. I don’t weigh myself. I haven’t stepped on a scale in years. I’ve never obsessed about my weight before. I’ve had thoughts, sure. When I was a kid, I would wear jeans to school in 30-degree heat because I thought my thighs were fat and I had a beauty mark on my leg that I thought was ugly. I remember feeling chubby, but I don’t know that it ever really got in the way of my happiness. I can remember one of my best friends was always calling herself fat and I was always telling her she wasn’t. The dialogue of society when I was a kid seemed to be whether you were “fat or skinny”. And fat was always painted as a bad thing.
I’m so thankful to be living my adulthood in a society that feels to be sparking change – more people and more companies are supporting body positivity and inclusivity. And I love it. I love supporting other people in finding self love and rocking the skin their in - finding happiness no matter what your size. But whenever I turn to my own reflection, the supportive dialogue changes. Everyone seems to deserve to love the skin they're in except me. Everyone gets a judgement-free zone, except me. Everyone gets my support, except me.
When I spoke to my Mom about it, she talked about thinking about all the good things about myself, and reminding myself that I deserve to be loved. The weird thing is, that I know I deserve love. I know I have some great qualities. I’ve worked hard on appreciating those aspects the last few years. I can recognize the things I’m good at and be confident in why I’m awesome, without putting myself on a pedestal or ignoring my own flaws. And I do honestly believe I deserve to be loved. And I think I honestly believe that I would be – that I am – by others. But even when I feel like I recognize that I still end up hating my body. The criticism is more, “You are lazy.” “You shouldn’t have eaten that.” “You have done this to yourself.” It’s like I’m mad at myself for letting myself down. And then I’m in this argument with myself which is just really confusing.
I wrote a piece last year around this time, all about how even though I don’t enjoy physical activity, I’ve noticed a huge improvement in how I feel about myself since adding it as a regular part of my routine. I don’t go to the gym, you won’t ever see me there, but I started doing yoga almost every day and walking everywhere I could. And I felt good. For the first time in a long time. Prior to that I was in a relationship that felt like it was at a stand-still, literally. It felt like all we ever did was eat and watch tv. It was driving me crazy, but we didn’t seem to both want to make a change. That was hard, and part of why it didn’t work out. After getting through that and finally feeling confident again in myself and my body, I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I’m upset with myself and when I look in the mirror, I’m disappointed. I try on my favourite jeans and a part of me dies when I can’t get them on, or I feel like they’re squeezing the life out of me. The challenging part is, with the toll this lockdown has been taking on my mental health, I’ve been having an even harder time motivating myself to get on the mat or do something active. It’s like I want to get up and do it, but my brain is blocking the movement from actually happening. It’s confusing and frustrating.
I don’t have a solution, exactly but if you’re in the same boat, then at least you’re not alone. I know that this is probably something a lot of people are experiencing because we are all struggling with a common problem – lockdown. Here is a list I compiled of what I am doing, and what others have suggested based on their own experiences. I hope some of this helps:
Clean out your closet of anything that doesn’t fit. Just put it away temporarily. If it’s not serving you right now, don’t keep it around.
Remember that it’s okay if you’re body changes and there are circumstances right now that are going to influence those changes directly
It’s ok if your body changes from what it “normally” is right now because right now isn’t “normal”
You deserve respect and care just like you would provide to your friends
You are not alone
Don’t be afraid to change your routine – I used to do yoga every morning and that just wasn’t working anymore. Now that I’ve given myself permission to do it when it feels right, I’m doing it more often
Talk to people about how you’re feeling. Even if they can’t solve it, they can at least validate your feelings.
Try new things – for a while yoga just stopped being a thing for me. I started doing short workout videos and sets instead. It’s okay to change up what used to work for you. It might not work for you right now.
When you feel that surge of energy, harness it and use it. I found there would be little pockets of the days, where I didn’t necessarily want to work out, but I could feel that I could push myself to do it if I set my mind to it. So I rolled with it. On the days where I didn’t, I never ended up doing anything later like I always told myself I would.
I hope that you are learning to love and care for yourself through any changes, I know it’s hard. I got your back as we maneuver through these challenges, and we will get through and build each other up.
Stay open, stay positive.
-B