Day 12 - Right on Schedule

I spent the majority of my evening like this, trying to distract and calm myself with Twitch in the background and fading in and out of sleep.

Guys, what is it about day 12? I didn’t realize it lined up until I was about to write this and I saw the date. Day 12 must be a cursed day!

In all realness, most of the day was fine. It was pretty busy at work for most of the day, and we got a lot done and for the most part it was a decent day, but some co-workers are going through a hard time and that makes me sad for them. And my family is having a hard time. And as an empath all those emotions are really challenging for me. I always encourage people to talk about their stuff and I do want people to feel that they can open up to me, but I also have to work really hard at drawing my emotional boundaries. Begin able to feel what they’re feelings but then sigh it out and trust that I’m doing what I can and that they will be okay is no easy task and I thought I had gotten really good at it. But that’s really hard when it feels like everywhere you turn is sadness, hurt, pain, frustration, anger, and lonliness. I don’t know how to help. I remember being a kid and crying in the middle of the night because I knew there were people in the world who were hungry or homeless or living in poverty. I felt so overwhelmed and so helpless. How can I understnd that reality and not do anything about it? I feel like that right now. How can I know so much about people that are struggling - whether they are close to my heart or strangers - and not be able to help them? It’s really heavy. It feels like a lot. And I’m just having trouble carrying all this tonight. It’s one of those…what difference am I making? What’s the point of me if I am not making a difference? Big questions. Hard questions. Questions better left for a day when I am feeling calmer. More attuned.

As I said, it’s not all bad. There’s always good things. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I wish every day wasn’t a fight to protect my own life and health from others. I wish I didn’t have to keep asking people to take me into consideration. I wish people took more time to stop and hear before speaking. I wish I knew the answers to all my questions and well…I could go on but I won’t. I know a lot of you reading are here with me. Are struggling. I know we need to hold ourselves a little bit longer. We will get through this.

To end on a positive note two of my friends and I (if you’ve been following along) have been burning through all the Christmas rom-coms. We finished the whole made up but somehow connected worlds of Christmas Prince, Princess Switch and The Knight Before Christmas. I am 100% satsfied and it did cheer me up. Connecting with these two always helps to distract me and I always have a good laugh one way or another, especially with these movies. I know that when you get stuck in a rut it is tempting to cancel plans, because you just don’t feel up to it. And the thought crossed my mind. Part of me wanted to just wallow. But I pushed through and I’m glad I did. It added one more positive to this day and this day really needed a Knight and some friends.

Until tomorrow friends.

With warm virtual hugs,

-B