Day 20 - Christmas Baking and Getting in My Feelings
Today was a welcome day off. No alarm set and some fun activities to look forward too. I still very much struggle to get out of bed these days. It’s like it takes me a couple hours to be ready to face the day. I just want to sleep all day but then if I do I feel like I’m missing out on things I should be doing or even wanting to be doing. Anyway it took me a bit to get up but I finally did and made my way over to my parents place. Today was scheduled in our annual Christmas Cookie Baking. I knew I had to dress for the occasion so you know I whipped out my final festive “sweater” purchase.
My parents also found Cranberry Ginger Ale! If you’ve been following this blog for a while you know that I don’t really drink pop but Cranberry Ginger Ale is my exception at the holidays! It’s so good and feels so festive it’s something that helps me to feel like it’s actually Christmas.
After some hard work in the baking department my battery was running low and it was time for a Christmas nap! It was nice to have some time to just relax and take it easy. Sometimes I don’t think people understand that when you’re working through depression and anxiety your battery runs out so quickly or it never seems to fully charge. We need those little moments in between to reset.
As if the day wasn’t nice enough we ordered Pizza for dinner and my Mom had that delicious salad to serve that I raved about a couple days ago.
After dinner we watched The Santa Clause. This movie always reminds me of my Dad because when I was little I can remember watching it on VHS. I don’t know if I was sick one day and we watched it for me to feel better or if it was just one of the first ones we watched together but for some reason it reminds me of him and the time we spent together. So it was nice to watch it with my family.
After that it was time to go home and I could tell something was off for me. I was reflecting a lot about how I didn’t really feel “excited” for Christmas. I’m working so hard to pretend I think. If I put up decorations and wear sweaters and jewelry and do festive things, maybe I’ll feel that spark again? I’m not sure what it is this year that’s holding me back - it could be that the fog of depression is still supressing me a bit, it hasn’t quite lifted. It could be that I thought there would be someone else around for all the joy and festivity and every day feels like a reminder of the future I thought I had with someone. It could be both. It could be I’m just too busy? I’m not sure, but I gave myself permission to feel it all last night. I didn’t fully understand them but I just needed to be sad. Navi kept me company as I tried to distract myself but that just made it worse so I decided to give it an outlet and use my voice. I don’t sing as much anymore but when I need an outlet I am thankful to have it to help do something with my sadness and pain. It was nice to have some time alone to just feel it all. So eve though there was sadness there was joy in having the outlet to carry those feelings. It helps to lift the weight a bit.
And you know what? I will keep pretending and forcing myself into festivity because I would rather do that then look back and remember the sadness. I need to create other memories, and create my own joy.
I hope you can too.
-B