Challenging My Internal Narrative

I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Just quietly for a few minutes…listening. Not to anything around me, but to the voice inside my head. My voice was losing her shit on me. She was going on and on with the things she had to say - and they were not nice things. I won’t paint the full picture because I know some of her words are triggering, but I remember at one point I heard her say “I hate you, I hate how you look” and I had this moment of realizing what I was saying to myself. I was listening to her talk, then asking myself why I was so upset and so sad.

Walk on this journey with me for a moment and if you’re willing to feel vulnerable, let’s try something. Think about some of the things you say to yourself in those moments when you feel sad and hurt…imagine someone said them to your face? Imagine someone walked up to you and said those hurtful things. Of course you’d be upset. Of course you’d be hurt, angry, frustrated, confused…you might even have a thing or two to say back if anyone every tried to say those things to your face. So then why do we let our inner voice say them to us? Of course we’re crying…we are showing ourselves incredible disrespect in what we allow our own minds and hearts to listen to.

It’s cliché but it’s true…we are our own worst critic. And for some reason…it’s hardest to fight back when it’s our own voice talking. I know I would shut down anyone who tried to speak to me like that, or spoke to someone
I loved like that…but I sat there in silence, insulting and critiquing who I am without any interference.

This is unfortunately one of those posts where I don’t have the answers yet…I’m still navigating this myself. A critical narrative doesn’t surprise me considering some of the things I grew up hearing people say around me about women, our bodies, our responsibilities, or intelligence. I love growing up alongside folks that are trying to reprogram the scripts and I am trying…oh boy am I trying. But what can I say? My critic takes after me, and she’s stubborn about the things she believes in and doesn’t give up easy. I sat with some of these feelings for a couple days and decided that a follow-up with my therapist might be warranted sooner rather than later. Part of me put it off because that means facing it and that means more hard work and energy and sometimes you’re just tired of fighting with her. Sometimes it feels easier to just tell my critic she’s right even when I know I shouldn’t and she’s not. I know the first step is always to understand what’s going on and that awareness is a good sign. Of course you’re having a shitty day…anyone would after hearing some of the nasty things you’ve been listening to.

And in case you need to hear this, your critic is lying to you. You are wonderful and your critic is just lonely and asking for attention. I am here to tell you that it’s not true. You matter. You are amazing. You are so strong. You are so beautiful. Hang in.

As always, if you have any tools in your toolkit, please share with the community.

I love hearing from you.

-B