Personal Update -Why I’ve Been So Quiet
TW: pandemic, anxiety, depression, gun violenceI know I’ve been quiet. I hate when I do that. But I’ve gotta stretch that compassion I want to have for all of you and have it for myself too. What can I say? It’s been a rough go. I know the world has opened up a bit where I am, but with that comes with a whole new anxiety. I’m going to be real - I’m gonna talk about the pandemic and some other potentially triggering things. It’s okay if you need to close this now. Self-compassion for you might be not reading more about it if that is what you need. Today, I think I need to write about it. My therapist has been on vacation and because of some changes at work I’ve had to cancel my scheduled sessions so - can we pretend that this is our session? Grab a coffee or a tea, make yourself a little snack and let’s dig in together. Maybe you want to use this as a little mindfulness exercise or a little reflection time for yourself too. You can write out a letter to me as if we were writing each other.
So where have I been? What’s been happening? What have I been so busy doing that I haven’t been writing? Well nothing and everything all at the same time. I got fully vaccinated which I thought would bring more immediate relief to me than it did. Since then I have felt layers of that anxiety peeling off slowly, but she’s still hangin’ on. The store where I work opened up again to customers and more recently increased the capacity. It’s nice to be able to do the job again, but it also means a lot of triggers and a lot of emotional labour. Some pretty wonderful things have happened too at work - I got my second promotion in a 7-month span and now I’m the shop manager. That’s pretty cool. And because my family and a lot of my close friends have been vaccinated I’ve been able to spend time with people face to face again and go out places without so much fear. I got to see all my coworkers’ full faces for the first time in a long time so that was nice. Some great changes, but with change comes some stress too. The “holy shit wait am I actually in charge of everything? Who let me be in charge?” and the realization that while there were promotions happening in our shop we were now understaffed and it’s not a great time for hiring. We’re struggling to find the right person for our team and in the meantime, we’re all burnt out. And I feel like my mind is constantly going to explode with to-do’s on my list and dates to remember.
To top that off, four of us were working when our mall was locked down because of an active shooting and we were all stuck in the backroom for 4 hours with our customers. My team is scared and tired and so am I. I’ve been trying to process that. I can’t tell if all my years of therapy are paying off and I am processing it really well, or if I’m just not processing it at all. I felt a little weird going back to work the very next day, but overall I don’t feel overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. Maybe I’ve just gotten really good at not listening to those voices? Or, for my dark-humored friends, maybe I’m just dead inside?
I’m joking but only sort of. Through all of this change - the good and the scary -I have felt a sort of numbness. I remember when I was getting ready to go on my camping trip this year everyone kept asking me if I was excited…and I just kept searching and digging for the emotion but it just wasn’t there. I wanted to be excited - I was looking forward to the trip - but I just wasn’t excited. When I was interviewing for my manager job, I should have been nervous but until 5 minutes before the call I really wasn’t. I didn’t have space for it. I was too tired to be nervous. When I talk to my therapist about it, I talk about how I long for that feeling of happiness and contentedness with my life. I talk about how I want to feel like I have a life and something to look forward to outside of work, but that’s really all there is. And I get back to those questions that I can’t seem to shake: what am I doing with my life? What is my purpose? What is the point of any of this? The world is so messed up, why bother even trying? Will anything good ever actually make a difference?
I can’t tell you how badly I want the answers to those questions. You know what no. I don’t need the answers right away, what I need is to feel like I’m doing something about it. My therapist says I am doing things: she reminds me of all the change that’s taken place and that change often doesn’t bring calm and contentedness right away. First, you have to go through the discomfort and anxiety of the change. I guess she has a point. But I am so sick and tired of hearing that the answer is to be patient, give it time, and be compassionate with myself.
I know we can’t control the pandemic around us, but it really does feel never-ending, and I don’t know how to create warmth and good around me in other ways. Music used to be something that I loved but now it makes me sad and critical. And feeling that way about music makes me sad too. So I’m doing the one thing I know how to do and I know has always helped. I’m writing. Perhaps this blog could be one of the missing puzzle pieces.? I’ve been so uninspired and felt so…useless. What could I possibly write that would help you when I feel so empty inside? How can I offer anything helpful when I can’t even seem to help myself? Yeah, I know…that’s my self-critic talking. And here I am, writing. Despite those voices in my head.
I don’t know if you can relate to any of this…if you can, I’d love to hear about it, and tell me what you’re doing to keep yourself moving through it. I feel like I’m running on empty but I can’t seem to figure out how to fill myself back up. Or maybe all this did was let you know where I’ve been and kept you busy for 10 minutes. And hopefully, that was a good thing for you. Perhaps there were some helpful insights here for you and I don’t even know it. Either way, I am wishing you all well. I am wishing you love and compassion and strength to keep going. I know it’s not forever. And I know the “for now” is hard. We will be on the other side of this one day.
Warmly,
-B
Some moments from the past where I felt good in my own skin. Where I felt like me and I can remember what it felt like to feel joy and be me.