Self-Love and Perfectionism
Artwork by Mia Clow
I was planning to write a piece on self-love and another one on perfectionism, but the more I wrote the more I realized how intertwined they were. I’m no expert, but perhaps the answer to perfectionism is in fact self-love?
More and more I find this pandemic, through all of its challenges, has emphasized what needs to be important in our lives. I see people making career changes, discussing work boundaries, and promoting self-love. Self-care and self-love have always been near and dear to me and this blog but more and more people around me are talking about it and reminding each other how important it is. But what exactly does it mean?
As with most things, everyone will have their own version of what that looks like, but if I were to summarize it, it would be feeling and showing love and compassion for yourself - your strengths, mistakes, and everything in between. It’s not an easy job.
Perfectionism, in my own words, is this need for every aspect of your life to be done at not just your best, but the best possible. Sometimes we strive to be better than our own training and capabilities. Sometimes we even try to perfect things out of our control. According to some more specific definitions, perfectionism involves “striving for extremely high standards…judging your self-worth based largely on your ability to strive for and achieve such unrelenting standards… [and] experiencing negative consequences of setting such demanding standards, yet continuing to go for them...” I’m no stranger to perfectionism. While I think I’ve eased up on my perfectionism I still put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and to live up to expectations. I can take it to heart when things don’t go as planned or I feel that I fall short.
During my therapy sessions, we’ve talked about this “metaphor” - if you will - of how it feels like I have different versions of my voice that all sit around a microphone. Little mini “me-s” all occupying the same brain waiting for their chance to shine. One of the more prevalent voices at times is my “inner-critic”. This voice likes to hog the mic and take over and would happily stay there as long as anyone else will let it. I would guess, that in my moments of perfectionism, that voice has the mic and is guiding me saying “that’s not good enough yet!” or “You are worthless if you can’t fix this!” Perfectionism must revolve around this fear of being “less than” and it’s no wonder if we’ve got a voice in our head talking nonsense and criticisms all the time. So to ease the voices in our head telling us we’re not worth anything if we can’t be perfect, we need to start listening to someone else.
For me, part of self-love is learning to calm the inner critic. It’s not about getting rid of the voice, it’s about accepting that the voice is there, but gently taking the mic away and finding it a seat. Each voice inside you is there for a reason. The inner critic has probably saved your ass a couple of times or pushed you to prepare really well for something important. But we don’t need it there all of the time. That’s when it becomes toxic and self-destructive. So how do we take the mic away?
I think self-love is a product of self-care and self-compassion. We need to share the mic with those voices. That can mean a myriad of things depending on what you struggle with. Perhaps your inner critic needs some time off as well, and you need to focus your energy on saying positive things about yourself. It may not erase those critiques, but it may at least shift focus and avoid a spiral. Sometimes on a hard day, it’s just saying, “this is just going to be my day today, and that’s okay.” It’s setting boundaries for yourself whether that’s turning your work e-mail notifications off on your day off or saying no to a zoom call to do something for yourself instead.
There’s also another end to that though. Sometimes it’s forcing yourself to watch that movie or show with your friends, or to do those dishes, or take a shower, change the garbage etc. Sometimes the inner critic is waiting for fuel to feed the flame. The longer we put off the things it wants to nag us about the more it has to say. I’ve been playing this game a lot lately. I’ve been so lacking in energy and motivation, it’s hard to bring myself to make a proper meal, do the dishes, take out the garbage…and then I can hear that critic going “What’s wrong with you?” “How can you live like this?” “No one will respect you knowing this is what you are doing with your day.” “You are lazy and unhealthy. You can’t do anything.” Oof. My critic does not hold back. In those moments I need to decide how I’m going to react. It might be that I’m tired of fueling my inner critic and I muster up the energy to do those things to respond as, “Look I did it okay? Will you be quiet now?”
Alternatively, I can call out compassion whose going to say “It’s okay if this stuff doesn’t get done right now. It will get done eventually. It always does. You will have better days. Don’t sweat it.” The more you practice challenging your inner critic, the quieter it gets. It’s not about pretending the critic is not there. The critic is a bully, and the more you react the louder it gets. “You are lazy and you can’t do anything!” it might say to me. And instead of curling up and caving into that dialogue, I have to say “You’re right! I am feeling really tired today and am having trouble doing the things I normally can do! And that’s okay for right now.” Your inner critic is left kind of speechless because there is nothing to argue with. And hopefully, it leaves you a little more at peace. Before I quit my teaching job, I was talking to my therapist about feeling like I wasn’t showing up 100% to my lessons anymore and I wasn’t being the best teacher I could be and it was leaving me frustrated and unfulfilled. And she took on the voice of my compassion and said “What if you just allowed yourself to show up at 80% right now and decided to be okay with that?” Instead of striving for the 100% I was too burnt out to achieve, maybe I give myself some space and try for 80% and you know what? It makes a difference.
I know it’s easy to try to hold yourself to the same standards you always do. Even if you’re not a “perfectionist” and you just want to keep up your usual skills and achievements, try to go easy on yourself. We’ve all collectively been through, and are still going through trauma. Not to mention the other challenges life throws at us regardless of whether or not there’s a pandemic going on. That is not easy. It is not expected for people to just carry on as usual. Students shouldn’t be expected to do their best work, and teachers shouldn’t be expected to have perfectly planned out lessons. Sometimes if we show up, that’s an achievement in itself. Don’t stress over a changed routine or not eating as well as you usually do or whatever else it is you are trying to hold yourself to that you can’t quite reach right now. It’s okay. Give compassion the mic for a while. You don’t have to act like a life-changing event didn’t just take place. Feel the feelings, and make peace with them. It’s okay to struggle right now.
If perfectionism is something you find yourself struggling with, in my research I found some tools that might be helpful:
Sending so much love and compassion to you all.
-B