Physical Distancing While in a Relationship
Illustration by Mia Clow
There are a lot of changes in our everyday lives right now, and we’re all trying to maneuver them together. One big difference though is having to be physically distant from the people who you rely on most for joy, compassion, connection and care. I can only imagine the challenges you are facing if you are physically distancing from a partner or spouse. So, I wanted to write a piece geared towards helping those of you who are, and help you get through this time a little easier. If you’re reading this, chances are you are feeling those challenges. If you’re reading this because your partner or spouse sent this to you, maybe they are trying to reach out and tell you that they are struggling – maybe it’s time you guys touched base? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re here because you just enjoy this blog – either way, read on my lovely friends and I hope you find something helpful.
I’ve been single for about a year now, and it’s been about two years since my last really serious relationship – so you might be wondering what the heck do I know? I am not currently working through this challenge, but I have done long-distance relationships before. Obviously none of which worked out, so I have learned a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t (for me). Fear not though, I also reached out on Instagram and asked you for your opinions as well. I also like to think I know a thing or too about connection and communication so I think at the end of it all, we can arrive at some sound advice for working through this difficult time with your partner. After compiling my own thoughts with yours, it seems that we can break down our challenges into 3 main categories: Loss of Physical Relationship, Loss of Connection, and Loss of Comfort.
Loss of Physical relationship doesn’t just refer to the romantic kind – of course that physical connection with someone is important, but I’m also referring to their physically communicated signals. People talk and express with their bodies and faces. Without being there next to someone it’s harder to read how they are feeling or how they are reacting to us.
Loss of connection is sort of this feeling that we can’t tell each other about our lives in the ways we normally do. We can’t go out for dinner and talk about our days or have coffee in the morning and discuss things that we’re passionate about. Maybe our schedules have changed, and we aren’t connecting at the same time, and we’re missing phone calls. We are struggling to reach each other and make a meaningful connection.
Finally, loss of comfort is losing the ways we normally feel cared for. After a long day you seek the comfort of that person and their kind words, their touch, or just being next to them and unwinding with someone you care about. We lose that and suddenly we don’t feel comforted or cared for. We lose the feeling of love and importance.
I’ve come up with some ideas for how we can mend and bridge the gap left in some of these areas to the best of our abilities right now. In general, I think it’s going to take some trial and error, being open-minded and accepting the situation at hand. You don’t have to like it, but in order to move forward, I think we need to accept that things are going to be different. A little creativity doesn’t hurt either.
1. FIND WAYS TO FEEL CLOSER TOGETHER
We need to find ways to feel physically close as best we can. There are some great tools like Netflix Party that allow you to watch the same show at the same time. I did this with my parents and it actually made a big difference. We texted all throughout the movie and it really did feel less lonely. It was nice to know you were having that experience at the exact time as someone else. You don’t have to completely cut out date nights, and I think we should still use them as an opportunity to get dressed up and make it special (if that’s your thing). Maybe it seems silly at first, but I can tell you that I’ve had some sorely disappointing date nights. I enjoy the process of getting dressed up because that’s my way of showing that something is special and means a lot to me. When a partner shows up like they just rolled out of bed, it feels like them saying “You weren't worth the effort”. Here are my ideas for trying to keep that physical connection as close as humanly possible:
Take a Bath “Together” – Just because you can’t be together doesn’t mean it can’t be romantic. Light some candles, set the mood, get some wine and facetime each other to unwind at the end of the day.
Cook a meal together – Set up your phone or laptop in the kitchen, pick a recipe and have fun trying out a new recipe together. Then the bonus is you get to eat the meal together too!
Movie Night – use Netflix Party or some other tech sorcery to watch something at the same time and keep movie night part of your regular routine.
Keep Having Date Nights - Get dressed up (aka shower), put on something that makes you feel good and “date-y” and make it special somehow.
Read together - You can do simple things together too. You don’t even need to say much to each other, just sit there with the video on and read in each other’s company. Then when you have something to say you have someone there to listen to you.
2. STAY CONNECTED
As best you can, I think it’s important to try to keep to your regular schedule of getting together (if you have one), but via phone or video chat. If you normally get together every Wednesday night for a movie – keep doing that. Keeping to your regular schedule might make things feel a little less out of wack and will be something you can both look forward to. When I did long-distance, my partner would always work long and usually opposite hours from me. I never had anything to rely on in terms of when we would touch base. It’s a horrible feeling not being able to see someone you care about, but also not even knowing when you’re going to speak to them next. This might also be a time to connect more often with them. Keep a schedule if that’s important to you, but also introduce some spontaneity. It will be a nice way to show someone you miss them and that you’re thinking of them. The schedule is important to establish first though, because otherwise the spontaneity by itself starts to feel like “I’ll call you when it’s convenient for me and I have nothing better to do” rather than “It’s important to me that we touch base this week – let’s make sure it happens”. It’s something you might need to discuss with each other to learn what is important to you both. Speaking of discussions…
3. COMFORT AND COMMUNICATE
Can you guess what the main point of this one is? Talk to each other! But really talk to each other – about how you’re feeling, about what’s going on. It’s okay to tell them you’re sad and that you miss them, you don’t have to pretend you don’t. I always felt like it was easier to share my burden of sadness with my partner so we could both heal by sharing our sorrows and moving forward once we’d acknowledged those feelings. If I keep it to myself, it starts to show itself in other ways and they are left in the dark not knowing what’s going on and confused by sudden irritation or outbursts. If you feel like you need something, tell the other person. It is not accusatory, it’s “Hey, I’ve noticed I’m needing this more. Can we make that happen? How?” You don’t expect a kid to know how to draw the letter A until you show him how. You can’t expect your partner to know what you need more of until you tell them what and how. Probably the more important piece of advice to share though, is if someone talks to you about how they’re feeling, listen to them. What are they telling you? Get curious. Learn more. Show that you want to understand and help.
Explore new ideas together – it’s not just one person’s job to get the relationship through this - that responsibility falls on you both. Ask for help when you need it and offer your help. Keep the conversation going – “I really liked that idea, it was fun. Let’s do it again.” Or “That was really challenging because ____. Let’s try _________ next time.” (You get the idea).
Finally, find new ways of showing each other you care – surprise each other with gifts in the mail or with letters. It’s not so much about what the gift is, but about the fact that someone took the time to think of you and make that happen. The other day a friend was picking up a food order near my place and surprised me by dropping some off to me. It made my day because she stopped and thought about me and what I might enjoy, and it was such a wonderful feeling. Maybe it’s ordering a meal delivery for someone after a hard day. You can’t be there, but you can at least send them their favourite hot meal. Maybe it’s simpler than that – say goodnight and good morning to each other. When I did long distance, by heart sank every night that my partner went to bed without saying goodnight and started work before saying good morning. I felt like I wasn't important enough to be a part of their day. It was hard for me because they were the first and last person I reached out to every day. When they hopped on to play video games or watch tv without reaching out at all it just left me feeling inconsequential (but I told them how important it was to me to have that while we were apart. See? Sometimes I follow my own advice.) Use your conversations with each other to let each other know what makes you feel loved. Maybe even do the Love Languages Quiz if you’re not sure! There’s an activity in itself!
I hope that some of this has given you some idea of how to work through this together. It’s hard and all we can do is try out best. Try to let the challenges bring us together, not push us apart. As always, drop any other suggestions in the comments.
Stay open, stay positive.
-B