When It Gets Dark
Artwork by Mia Clow
I started writing about this as part of my private poetry/creative writing journal. When I need to express things that are really intense or jumbled, I turn to that, and tonight is a difficult night. It’s been a strange day. And I thought…maybe this would be good to work through with you guys if you’re reading this. Tonight, it feels like someone has turned the volume up to ten on all the worries and feelings I usually keep on mute. Tonight, they are running rampant.
When I was a kid, and it was time to go to bed, I would always ask my parents, “Will you check on me until I fall asleep?” There was something uncomfortable about feeling like I was the last person to fall asleep. Something about being the only one awake while everyone else was sleeping. And sometimes if I woke up in the middle of the night, I would be so upset that I’d have to wake them up until I could get to sleep again.
Now I’m older and obviously I can fall asleep without being “checked on”, but some nights I get a very familiar feeling at the pit of my stomach…just like I used to get when I was a kid, alone at night. Like tonight. It’s been an off day in general I’ll admit, but lately I’ve been getting that feeling of wanting to prolong the evenings. Like I’m not ready for the day to be over. I watched a show with some friends on Zoom and I felt fine, but the minute the call was over and I was just sitting there in the dark it was like…the demons in the show are here too except they’re my sadness and loneliness and fears hiding in the dark.
It’s crazy the things that come up when I feel like this. Like Caius (my last cat). I want to cry so hard about losing and missing him and I have my new cat sitting right across from me. And then I feel guilty for missing a different cat. And I can’t stop thinking about lost friendships and people who have hurt me. And how sad it makes me that they gave up on our friendship and that I had to let go because it hurt too much to keep reaching out. And I’m mad at the people in my life who tell me how much they care about me and can’t show up with actions to match their words and make promises they can’t keep. And I’m mad that it makes me so hesitant to trust what someone new tells me, because at the back of my head I’m saying, “He says this now, but it will change.” And I’m frustrated that men just keep proving that voice right. And I’m annoyed that I even care. I want to be okay with living happily single and loving myself and my life alone, but I know that I’m not and that a meaningful partnership plays a big part in my lifelong aspirations. And I feel inadequate at what I do. I feel like I’m just not a good enough singer – there’s nothing special about my voice and I hate how I sound and so does everyone else. And I hate that I can’t write music like other people can. And I’m confused about what I want to do with my life and annoyed that I can’t decide on something to do next. And I feel like sometimes I should just retire this blog and call it a day because probably no one actually reads it. And that’s honestly just the stuff that’s coming to the surface right away.
Needless to say, it’s a lot to unpack. But you know what? So what? I have my therapist’s voice in my head saying, “And?” So I feel some things tonight? We all gotta have a release right? It’s normal to be upset about the things I’m upset about. It’s normal to be frustrated and go through that rollercoaster. It’s very human and well…it’s very me. I can’t be 100%, 100% of the time. So what if I have to cry my face off and feel everything at max capacity for a night? Those feelings don’t disappear because they’re silent, and they can’t calm down without a moment to say their piece. We have to give them a moment of our lives so that we can go on functioning. Recognizing those feelings are there is a huge part of healing. I see people around me push things down and pretend they aren’t there, and those things always show their faces again just as bad as the first time. But when we take a minute to feel something and say, “Oh, okay this is sadness. I’m feeling sad about this,” even though it doesn’t feel great, that’s actually a really great thing to do for yourself! Think of those emotions as a friend going through a hard time. You don’t just shut the door and say, “Good luck figuring this out, I’ll talk to you when the crisis is over”. You try to give them the time and the space they need. You let them talk, you let them cry, you let them be angry and work through it. Show yourself and your feelings the same respect and compassion. They need it the most. You still need to draw boundaries. You still need to do things that are good too. But you create balance and you make space where you can afford it.
I can’t particularly say that I’m feeling better after writing this, because well I’m trying to let myself feel things that make me hurt and make me sad, but I do feel a little more comfortable with letting myself do that. And I at least feel like I did something, and maybe I’ve helped someone else who feels the same way that I do sometimes. The other thing to remember is that some of those thoughts get less and less credible and valid as you go – I have private DM’s and text messages from people who have read my blog telling me they appreciate it, so I can call myself out on that as a negative spiral and catastrophizing. I know some of those worries don’t have a strong foundation. The feelings are okay to have, be okay with them, but remember to check yourself too. Just because it’s okay to feel something, doesn’t necessarily mean the worry has any logic to it. So if you are here, reading, thank you. I can’t express how much it means to me. I hope you find something of value here.
I guess now it’s time for me to see if I can get to bed anytime soon…wish me luck!
-B