How to Empathize with Others
So the last piece I wrote was all about empathy and leading with it throughout our daily lives. I talked about what it means and why it's important. And that's all well and good, but when you don't have an innate ability to be empathetic, like any other skill, it takes practice. So how do you empathize with someone?
The first thing to be prepared to give yourself is time. Time to reflect. Time to step away. Time to actually try and gain a new perspective. Especially if this is new to you. You're going to need time to work through it all.
Empathy, as we've talked about, is all about being able to sit with someone in their feelings. Not look down on them and feel bad. It's about feeling with them and sitting with them and understanding them. So how do you do that? Try to put yourself in their position. Let's use an example. Let's say your friend Sally has had a difficult week. She is feeling really tired because people keep putting more work on her plate at her job and has been working long hours. You two are hanging out when her TV Remote breaks and she bursts into tears. At first you might be thinking "why is she so upset about this? It's an easy fix." You might even think "she's overreacting, this is not that big a deal." But then you take some time to try to empathize with Sally.
While in this moment, if your tv remote broke you might not be that upset, but imagine you had a tough week. Think back on a week you felt really run down and frustrated. A week where you felt like you were tired all the time and had no room for yourself. Then imagine something breaking that you rely on every day. Maybe for you it's not the TV remote. Maybe it's your coffee maker. Maybe it's your toaster. How would you feel? What would you need? Now can you see where Sally might be coming from? We can't just look at the single facts that stand out to us. We need to take in the whole context to really understand where Sally is in this moment. It's not really about the TV remote.
The next thing you need to do, is quiet all the parts of you that want to fix the situation. Solutions might come later but the first step is to let Sally know you're there with her. What does Sally need in this moment? Think about what she might be feeling. What do you know about her? Don't try to make her feel better. Just show her that you care. Remember - solutions might come but not right away.
There are so many different ways you can show Sally that you empathize with her. Here are some ways that could sound:
"I'm so sorry you've had a tough week. That sounds really hard and exhausting. It's okay to be upset right now."
"I'm sorry that happened. Is there something else going on? I'm here if you want to talk about it.”
“Your feelings right now are valid, I would be upset too. That sounds hard and I'm here for you. What can I do to help?"
The most important thing after this is that you do listen when they speak. And don't listen to find solutions, and don't listen to speak - listen to LISTEN. Listen to understand. Ask clarifying questions. "How are you feeling about that?" It shows that you are listening and that you care.
Once you've taken some time to validate, understand and listen (I mean really listen), then you can see if they want help with solutions. With Sally this might sound like "Do you want me to try and fix your remote or would you like to just do something else for the night?" "How can I help you moving forward?" "Do you want solutions or just someone to listen?"
And if they ask for help, show up. Help as best you can. You're not superhuman but they will likely see your effort and appreciate it because you checked with them first. You made sure they wanted the help and the kind of help you were offering.
And voila! You've successfully empathized with Sally and created a safe space for her to feel her feelings without judgement. What do you think? Did we miss anything? What part of empathizing do you find tough?
Let me know in the comments and share with friends and family!
-B