Leading with Empathy

I know. It’s been a long while. Can I be honest with you? I thought about getting rid of this blog altogether. I felt like a failure for not being active on it anymore. It made me feel worse knowing it was sitting there…and I wasn’t contributing to it anymore. I started this blog with so many ideas and I’m finding it hard to figure out what to write here that’s going to be helpful. Maybe I need to open my mind a bit more. But there’s a little spark…a little flame inside that’s not quite ready to let go yet. So I chose empathy with myself….it’s ok to take a break. It’s ok to need space from things you love. After all, absence makes the hard grow fonder right?

So since I had to practice a little empathy with myself (and this word had been on my mind a lot lately), I thought maybe it would be worth sharing some thoughts with you. What does it mean to lead with empathy?

I’m sure you’ve heard people call themselves “empaths” before. I’ve heard lots of interesting definitions and interpretations of what that means, but in general, it’s about people who feel the feelings of others. When someone I love is sad, I feel that sadness deeply as well. It’s different that sympathy. Sympathy is understanding how they might be sad. Empathy, if I can reference Brene Brown, is getting right down in that dark sacred space and feeling with that person.

So we know what empathy is but how do we lead with empathy and why don’t people do it all the time?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot the last few years. It’s always left me perplexed. I think the answer to that big “why” is empathy is a vulnerable emotion. It means letting in uncomfortable feelings and sitting with them. That’s scary. It’s scary to let those feelings in because once you open that door, it can be hard to close it again. Then you have a whole other thing to master called Emotional Boundaries - knowing when it’s time to take a step back and go “phewf, okay I felt that! Time to take a break and let those feelings take a back seat. I can still feel for this person and live my life at the same time.” And that’s the big thing that I think people who don’t practice empathy don’t realize.

I think the assumption is that if you are empathetic, it means you no longer dictate your life by your own boundaries. It feels like being empathetic means being walked all over by people, not standing up for yourself and always giving other people what they want. And if that’s what you’ve always thought, that’s okay. And I’m here to tell you it’s not true, not at all.

So how do we balance having empathy without being totally walked all over? Let your first emotion be empathy, then make space for the others. It sounds simple but I know it takes practice. Let me give you an example. I work in retail so we expect people to show up on time for their shifts each shift. Let’s say Martha calls in last minute saying she’s having a tough mental health day and really needs the day off. I could totally cut out empathy and tell Martha she has a responsibility to the team, that I don’t’ have coverage and we need her to come in.

Or I could make space for empathy, try to understand what Martha is feeling and remember a time that I’ve been there and how I wanted my manager to react. Then I can make space for myself as a manager - I have a business to run, what are the repercussions? What is the impact if Martha doesn’t come in? Is it worth asking her to come in? And because I’ve made space for empathy first, I can weigh out how I want to react. How will Martha feel? How will I feel? How will my other staff feel? Taking that moment to be understanding doesn’t mean totally giving up your needs, it just means making space to understand someone else’s too and looking for a happy middle. Sometimes, when we take time to understand people, feeling validated and knowing they aren’t alone can make a huge difference.

I really value my ability to empathize. It allows me to be open to change, open to new ideas and changing my opinion. It allows me to relate to people who are different than me because no matter what our differences we have have emotions that we feel deeply. It allows me to humanize others and care for others and support others. And even though I’ve had to do a lot of work to make sure that once I get in that dark hole with someone I can get back out, it’s so worth it and it’s my favourite things about myself.

What are your thoughts? How do you feel about leading with empathy? Is it a struggle? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Stay open, stay positive.

-B