A Personal Update - Work and My Burnout
Do you remember around this time last year and I posted THIS update on my depression and burnout since starting medication? Well, it did help for several months. I noticed some big differences in my energy, in my presence, and my enjoyment of the things and people around me. I also noticed the negative self-talk and the spirals of doom that would circle around in my head were either disappearing or easier to quiet.
But after enough time back at work, and another whirlwind of a holiday season in a high demand retail job, I found myself struggling again. I felt like after that big improvement I started to level out and then I kind of hit a wall. I noticed it a little while I was still dating my last partner. I remember noticing that, when we would spend time together, I was struggling to go out and would often feel really exhausted halfway through the day. When we broke up, that was kind of the rotten cherry on top of an already bitter sundae. I stuck out the holiday season, I took an amazing two weeks off in January and was feeling so good and was actually excited to go back to work! As you can guess…once again it wasn’t long before I was struggling big time with my energy and motivation. Here are the main things that tipped me off to my burnout still digging its claws in:
My days off were spent sleeping - I’m not exaggerating. Up at 9am, maybe awake until around 11, then back to bed until around 1 or 2. Maybe eat something. Back to bed. Usually a little burst of energy to do one productive task between 4 and 7pm.
I was struggling with waking up in the morning and the first thing I thought about was not wanting to go into work
While at work I was thinking about how much I wanted to go home, but it was a very heavy and sad feeling. Not a like “haha wish I was rich and didn’t need to work lol”
Simple daily tasks like taking a shower, taking out the garbage, grocery shopping, cleaning the house…were extremely difficult. There were a lot of hair-wash days that happened in the sink.
I felt trapped and stuck with work and with life
I felt depleted from minimal social engagement I tried to partake in
In general I felt like I was living to work and that work was sucking everything out of me so there was no room for anything else
My therapist always makes sure I’m getting the credit for the work I do, and helping me understand what the next steps might be. With the recognition of those major signs and some big triggers at work I finally made some pretty big decisions.
I knew that I couldn’t go on working at the same pace and expect anything to change. I could see that I was stuck in a loop of working, having my days off just to recharge enough to get me through a couple more days and the cycle repeats. No room for me. No room for fun. No room for goals or fulfillment.
So I am officially on Short-Term Disability or a formal Leave of Absence. I decided I wanted to talk about this because other workplaces may not advertise this as an option, but if you have this option and you need it, I want you to know that you are worth it. I know it feels weird, and you may have to fight feelings of guilt or shame, but I am here to tell you that your mental health and your life is more important than that job. I know it doesn’t seem like it sometimes but I promise you, you matter so much more. And it’s scary as hell, and that’s okay. Rest is productive.
If you’re curious about the process, let me know and I can write another post about what that might look like. I won’t have all the answers but I know that sometimes it’s nice to have a general idea of what to expect going into a change like this.
So how’s it going? I’m a month into what is supposed to be a 3 month leave. I am definitely noticing some differences. While I am still struggling with motivation and energy and am still struggling with sleeping a lot and eating properly, my bursts of energy are more frequent and I’m having more days where I feel like me and I feel motivated. I tend to rush the process. I go into action mode - my therapist warned me that part of me is going to want to kick into gear. I will need her, but I also need to trust that 6+ months of burnout isn’t going to heal itself in 2 weeks. I need to keep noticing the changes and celebrate those days. I have way more days of feeling myself and having the energy to dedicate to things I care about and getting things done I have wanted to do in a long time. I cleaned out my house, organized every nook and cranny of it, I cut off all my hair, I even applied to a Masters program and….I got in! This time in 3 years I could possibly be a registered counsellor. I can actually feel excitement! I miss that feeling. I feel like there’s finally some space for that again.
So I’m still in a bit of a transition phase trying to get myself and my sleep and my schedule back on track but I also have some good plans with both my therapist and my doctor and myself. I am proud of myself for making that decision - that shop was my home away from home and has been for almost 6 years so it feels weird to be away but not gone for good. My hope is to go back but for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with not knowing because I know right now I’m doing the right thing and caring for both my body and my mind.
If you have any questions, I’m an open book and happy to answer anything I can. Leave any questions in the comments and I’ll try to respond or put together a Q&A.
Keep fighting for yourself my friends. You are worth it.
Warmly,
B