Working Through Heartbreak
Many moons ago I did a series called Anxiety and Relationships. In one of those I dug a little deeper into how specifically people with anxiety can work through break ups. They are hard no matter who you are or what you deal with, but there can be specific challenges related to anxiety that may come up. It was an old post and got lost in the changeover when I created my new site but if you’re interested in a more specific post like that I can definitely follow up with one. For now I’m just gonna weigh in my thoughts on heartbreak and break-ups.
It’s no secret on this blog that my last partner and I broke up right before the holidays. It’s a tough time to begin with made even tougher. Without going into detail, the summary of what happened is that I was willing to keep fighting for the good in our relationship and he was not. Taking myself out of the picture for a minute (and like I told him) that was okay. I would rather him be honest with me than lie to me about expectations he had no intention of meeting. Putting myself back into the picture…well it felt like him telling me I wasn’t worth the fight. It felt like that gut-wrenching, painful, in the pit of your stomach heartbreak. It sucks.
So I guess I’m writing this piece because I’ve been fascinated by my journey through this break-up but especially this heartbreak. I need to be really open and honest - I have never felt this before. My first boyfriend broke up with me and it hurt, but there wasn’t enough closeness - it was so new it wasn’t quite like this. My long-term partner and I broke up after years of me trying to make it work so when we were done there wasn’t anything left. The embers were doused. No fan could relight those flames even if I wanted them to. I had been hurt too many times for that. So this is new for me. I feel like we were done before I was ready to be done. And I’m more self aware than I’ve ever been before so it’s been hard and fascinating at the same time to explore this…mmm…roller coaster isn’t the right word. I love roller coasters so I’ll let you know when I think of a better metaphor.
I noticed a few key phases - these came in any order and continue to repeat as many times as they want. These phases I have named Mourning, Hurt/Pain, Anger, Revenge, Wallowing, Denial (classic), Determination. You weave in and out and feel anger in the morning and wallowing in the evening. It makes sense I suppose, your brain is trying to sort out so many different things. Mourning, I feel, is one of the most important things. I learned from therapy that a lot of the time you don’t heal from the loss of something because you never take the time to grieve that loss. It can be as simple as not getting into a school you wanted and grieving that future, or as complicated as a break-up. Mourning doesn’t have to be about death but about loss. I realized I was grieving the loss of our future together, and that mourning kept coming up through the holiday season. When you think you have a future with someone and you have a wild imagination like me, you are left with all these moments of mourning because for every moment that you thought you’d spend together you have to mourn the loss of that image in your mind. And that’s hard and hurts but it’s productive. So you’re blazing through all these feelings coming up and reacting and that’s a lot for one person to handle. So how do we stop ourselves from getting lost? How do you we keep moving?
We are all different but I will try my best to outline how I am holding on and waking up and finding joy in my life while still riding the waves of emotion.
Know who your safe people are - talk to the friends and the family that will listen without judgement. The ones that don’t try to force away your feelings. The ones that say “It’s okay to feel that way. I’m here for you know matter what you decide or how you feel.” (And if you aren’t one of those people, be one.)
Feel the feelings - your boss can say whatever they want to say, but you deserve to stay home from work the day after a break-up. You need to give yourself space to feel everything and anything. Cry all day and sleep all day. Hold yourself. You know how to do it best. I know this can be hard because they are icky, uncomfortable feelings, but you gotta give them their space. You can’t clean up without making a mess first. And you won’t know how to clean it if you don’t know what kind of mess it is.
Accept that you don’t have to be better right away- This was hard for me to do because it was the holidays and I know myself. I knew I would put pressure on myself to be bright and energetic and in the holiday spirit, especially doing 24 days of Joy on this blog. I told myself, you can still feel all these feelings and look forward to the holidays. It’s okay if you’re not at your best. It’s okay if this isn’t the best Christmas ever. It’s okay to feel how you do. Don’t you dare let anyone guilt you for that. It’s how you act on those feelings that make all the difference.
Distraction - Eventually it’s going to just feel tiring feeling so much all the time, so give yourself some grace. I like to distract myself with a project - usually some sort of craft or creative project to help get my mind off things. Maybe you need to get lost in a tv show. Maybe you need a vacation or maybe it’s time to pay a visit to your folks for a few days? Take a course online? As long as you’re not ignoring the feelings that are there, it’s okay to give them a little distance.
Outlet - Find an outlet for your feelings. Maybe you draw, maybe you sing, maybe you dance or hike or box…whatever it is, find a safe way to process and feel. I’ve had some great processing at 2AM crying as I type little poems and thoughts out on my phone. It’s a way to feel safe feeling everything that you feel. It’s for you. You can feel angry you can feel hurt. You can miss them, you can love them, you can be annoyed. You can cry you can scream. Don’t hold it in. Trust me. It’s only going to end up hurting more and it could end up hurting those around you. And if you don’t know how to safely work through them, it’s time to get help doing it.
So there it is. That’s the best I’ve got. Does it help? Who knows. We are all different and all break-ups are different. Some hit hard and then it fades away, some just really suck for a long time. Some are pretty easy to work through….it’s a mixed bag and we are all just doing our best. The best thing you can do is try to hold empathy and compassion in your heart always. For yourself especially. You will get through it. And it will be ok.
And until then, I am here for you.
Warmly,
-B