Feeling Unanchored -Personal Reflection
Artwork by Mia Clow
It’s been a whirlwind. Who am I kidding? It’s still a whirlwind. Do you feel that too? I feel like I went from feeling like the whole world was so surreal, to sitting with it, to freaking out, to feeling really down, to finally getting into a groove, only to be thrown back into the wolves (and by wolves I mean people) to try to figure out my footing again. If you haven’t guessed, I’m referring to the global pandemic (among all that was going on before that in the world).
On top of trying to maneuver all that, I decided it would be a good time to start worrying about my future (great timing right?). I started feeling confused about my path and my career - what am I doing with it? Where am I headed? What’s the point of going back to work if I don’t know where it’s taking me?
Needless to say there was a lot of inner turmoil and I was feeling very unsettled and unanchored. I started falling further down that depressive spiral. What’s it all for? Why am I here? I started asking heavier questions and without answers to those questions I stopped finding joy in life. At first I thought it was because I didn’t know what I wanted in terms of a career. I started fixating, feeling like I needed to pick something to work towards and start putting steps in motion. I was okay with it taking a while, I just wanted to know what I was working towards.
After a couples weeks of being in this really dark and scary place I was on the phone with my best friend trying to explain my turmoil. She reminded me that it’s okay if I don’t have one career for the rest of my life, and reassured me that it’s a different world than it was, even when we were kids. People our age don’t necesarily find their forever plan by the time their thirty, and I can change my career whenever I feel ready for it. She also gave me a really great pep talk reminding me of all the things I’m good at. That was really helpful because I was finally able to realize that my problem wasn’t with not knowing my career. She painted a picture of me doing so many different things in a lifetime and I felt okay with that. So I knew that my real problem was about me, and my bigger “purpose”.
Some people turn to religion and/or spirituality. Some people are driven by a career. Some people have passions so huge they know it’s what they were put on this earth to do. I feel like I don’t have that thing that anchors me. Don’t get me wrong, I have people and places that I love, and things I love doing. I know they care about me too, but when I get into that dark spiral, I feel like they all have other things that are giving them purpose and at the end of the day they are anchored and I’m just drifting away. Alone. Even when I know I’m not. It can still feel really lonely down there.
I talked to many people about it, including my therapist and I just didn’t really like the “answers” I got. It felt like I was supposed to just “be okay with not knowing” but that upset me even more. My therapist reminded me that there is a lot going on right now. I have a lot that I’m taking on as an individual and that collectively the world is taking on, and maybe now isn’t the time to try to figure that stuff out. I get that - she’s right. It probably isn’t, but doing nothing about it was pulling me deeper and deeper into this pit. It was getting to a place where some of my inner dialogue was getting a little worrisome even for me. I didn’t need to know what it looked like when I got out, I just needed to see that there was a step in front of me to start that journey. I was being really stubborn about it, and she kind of just had to keep telling me that those answers will come, just maybe not right now. We finally found a way to think about it which seemed to allow me to settle my mind a little bit ( a little)- there is this version of me that wants direction and progress and that’s a good thing! But she’s standing up and shouting a little too loudly right now. We still want her there, she just has to sit down for a bit and take a breath. We’ll call on her again soon. We need to focus on other things.
Since then I’ve found my new coping strategy which is to basically do whatever I can that is in my control - I started doing things that for years I’ve been wanting to do. I booked a tattoo appointment, I adopted a cat, I started the plans for fixing up my apartment…basically just putting control back in my hands so that I felt like there was actual progress taking place. I was accomplishing things I just didn’t necessarily know what they would lead to. I think I’m also trying to do things without waiting for the right moment. Let now be the moment! You never know when something crazy like…oh I don’t know a global pandemic will hit and put you in lockdown for a few months (cue nervous laughter).
I’m clinging to any opportunity I can get, but with the world the way it is, I’ve got restrictions too. Ones that I can’t control and that’s hard for me. So I gues I’m going to keep controlling what I can. What will my next project be? Who knows!
Will you share with me? What keeps you anchored? How do you know? What gives you drive in life and how do you keep propelling forward?
Stay open, stay positive.
-B