Is There Such as Thing as a “Bad Texter”?

Let me start by saying this is an exploration not a statement, and I invite you to open your mind and your heart. Be vulnerable for a second. Let down your guard. It’s just us. Be willing to wonder and ask questions about yourself and let’s come from a place of empathy and willingness to listen. I want to express what it feels like for me on the receiving end, while also acknowledging what goes on for other people when “bad texting” is involved.

I consider myself a pretty “good” texter. I reply quickly, and I try to reply with something relatively substantial. I check messages often (arguably too often perhaps) and rarely forget to message someone back. It happens. But not a lot. I enjoy texting as a way to keep in touch. Why? I’m not totally sure. I like writing. I like writing down my thoughts, and I like trying to capture my voice in the way I write. I like having time to think before I speak.

I have also had many friends who have called themselves “bad texters”. I have come to understand this to mean they aren’t great at responding to messages - they don’t check very often and when they do they forget to text back. It also seems to encompass not loving the interpretation game of texting. One challenge that certainly arises is trying to be genuine and authentic through a line of digital text and interpret messages from others accurately. Ever seen this video?

I mean…it’s a great example of trying to interpret texting isn’t it? So okay great, some people are good at it and some people aren’t. Or some people love it, and some people don’t. What’s the issue? Who cares?

So when you’re someone that likes to text, it can be confusing and frustrating when someone doesn’t respond. I feel I am reaching out and the irrational part of me goes two places:

1) They don’t want to talk to you.

2) You are not important enough to them, and they forgot about you.

While not totally logical, that’s the anxiety talking, and the anxiety is hard to tame when I don’t have any new evidence coming in to argue with it. I have found myself thinking, “How hard is it to take 1 minute to send a quick reply?” “It takes two seconds to respond to me.” “They are on their phone all the time when they are with me - I know they saw my message by now. Why don’t they want to reply?” But then a few times recently, this little image came up on my Instagram feed:

It added another perspective to the texting game. It wasn’t necessarily laziness, disinterest in the friendship or forgetfullness. It was not being ready to engage in a conversation. So okay. I can totally get behind that. So let’s try on a real-life scenerio.

I had a friend, let’s call her Sandra who was really bad at responding to text messages. The response rate was very inconsistent, but when we were in person everything was great. The thing is, I know that Sandra got overhwlemed easily and would push things and people away when she felt like she didn’t know how to handle a situation. Can you say avoidance strategy? But no shade to Sandra, we all do that. Even I do that. Sometimes that’s fine, the right decision is so avoid what is making us anxious, but when there’s a human with feelings reaching out on the other end, I feel like we need to approach that with a little more consideration. If I ask myself what I need in that situation, it’s reassurance that I still matter, and the person on the other end does in fact still care. I can’t ask Sandra anymore, but I can do my best to guess that what she needed was some space and a rest until she was ready to engage in conversation. Both of those things are valid things to want. But her ignoring my messages and leaving them unanswered led to more hurt feelings and worry on my end, and any follow up messages from me trying to get a response would overhwlem her and push her further away. So then what?

It’s simple really. Engage from a place of honesty and authenticity. If Sandra simply said, “Hey! I’m just dealing with a lot right now, but I’ll message you as soon as I feel a little more calm,” that may have been enough for me to let out a sigh of relief. Phewf! She doesn’t suddenly hate me! She still cares about me and took the time to ease those worries. Then I know to back off a bit and say “No problem, thanks for letting me know. I’m here if you need anything.”

But what if it’s just that you don’t enjoy texting? It’s not your thing? That’s okay too! But I believe we have got to find a way to compromise with those people who matter to you, if they do like texting. My best friend and I are opposites on the texting spectrum. She doesn’t like it. She would much rather have a conversation on the phone. Of course me with my anxiety - I don’t love talking on the phone. Answering or making a call makes me a little anxious every time even when it’s someone I know and feel comfortable around. If you ever dated me, you’ll know I’m starting to get comfortable with you if I answer the phone when you call!

I think it has to do with feeling like I’m disturbing them. What if they don’t have time for me? What if I’m interrupting something important? are just some of the things that run through my mind. So how do we find that happy middle? When I feel like I want to connect, I try to send her a text asking her to call me. That way she doesn’t feel like she has to engage in a conversation through text, but she knows I’m trying to reach out.

Everyone is different. If you are the person who doesn’t enjoy texting but someone in your life does, maybe you need to find a gentle way of responding while also setting your boundaries. If someone sends you, “Hey, how did the interview go? Did you get the job?” Instead of ignoring it because you don’t feel like typing it all out, or instead of being short and saying “yeah” maybe try…”Hey, I’ll call you to tell you about it - when are you free?” or even "There’s too much to type but I’ll tell you all about it next time I see you!” That’s not too wild is it? Speaking as someone who engages that through text a lot, it’s not meant to be pushy, it’s not meant to force conversation. It’s my way of showing that you are important and that I am thinking of you. I don’t come at it going I know this person hates texting so I’m going to text them anyway…! muahha! (Of course not!) I don’t always realize that my way of reaching out isn’t someone else’s way of reaching out. I think we can all do our part to be more mindful. Both ends can be frustrating - “Ugh why aren’t they responding?!” or “Ugh! Why don’t they just call me?!” - but if we take a minute, take a breath and just communicate lovingly, chances are you’ll find a compromise that works for you both!

So take a minute to step back. Are you compromising? Are you willing to compromise? What are you feeling, and what is it that bothers you exactly? Once you understand a little better what you’re going through, you can start to understand the other person and work together to find your happy middle.

So to conclude - no I honestly don’t think there is such a thing as a “bad texter”. Even people who don’t text a lot can find a way to use those rare text messages in a positive and effective way. You just have to do a little digging to figure out what that is.

What do you think? How do you meet people in the middle?

Stay open, stay positive.

-B