How Going to Therapy Still Helps Me

I’ve officially been seeing my therapist for 2 or 3 years now. And I really do get to the point sometimes where I think about canceling my sessions because I just don’t know what I want to talk about. I guess that’s a good thing! It’s not that there isn’t necessarily anything bothering me or that I’m not struggling, it’s more that I just don’t know if I want insights on it. Or, more recently, I feel like I won’t get any new ones.

A common theme for me since this pandemic started and since I went back to work, is that cooking and cleaning and doing those everyday things we’re supposed to do has been really challenging for me. I used to really enjoy taking time to cook a meal and while I wasn’t especially talented in the kitchen, at least they were things I took the time for right here at home. If you read my last blog post, How I Trick People Into Thinking I’m Organized, you may recall that I talked about how I used to have a regular day of the week where the cleaning and tidying got done, but that I’ve been really struggling with it lately. Thanks depression and burnout!

I have had several conversations with my therapist about how I don’t feel like myself and I get frustrated with the fact that I am not doing the things I used to do. I feel like I’m falling short. It makes me less likable and less…I don’t know. Just less. She’s been trying to get me to practice patience with myself but it feels like no matter how patient I am I don’t ever see a change in behaviour. I can’t seem to push myself to do the things I don’t want to do the same way I used to. So I sometimes tire of bringing the conversation up because I feel like I’ve heard all there is to say, and I know she’s just going to tell me to be patient. And I respect that but I’m also frustrated with the way things are.

So the other day I was talking to my therapist about work - my other common theme - and how I’ve been so frustrated and stressed. It feels like all I do is work, come home, eat and sleep. And life feels dull and, not to be too dramatic but...pointless. I brought up my frustration with not being able to do the things I normally do on top of my work stress and I just feel so…non-existent. Right away she chimed in that no wonder I am struggling to do those things when I get home from work. She talked about how there’s a whole pathway in my brain that is responsible for motivation and that drive to do the things that need to get done, and that it has a limit. She talked about how I am using up that limit entirely at work because, well I have to go and do my job but then there is nothing left when I get home. So no wonder I notice the dishes and can’t do anything about them. No wonder I see the food in my freezer and can’t bring myself to cook it. I have quite literally depleted my motivational quota for the day. And while that didn’t solve my problems, it helped me to understand them a little more. And when I understand them a bit better and have something really concrete and logical to link it to…well I’m not as hard on myself I guess. I have almost started giving myself permission because I can tell myself why - “It’s okay that you couldn’t do that tonight, there’s no space for it.”

I don’t know how long it will take before I start to feel better and see changes in these things, but it just goes to show that even when you think you have had all the insights there are to have about one of your struggles…there is always another perspective or just some more pieces of the puzzle to take into account. And it might not change things right away, but it might make you feel a little better and be a little kinder to yourself.

I hope you can do something kind to yourself today.

-B