Personal Update - Medication for Depression and Anxiety

Well, it’s been a while hasn’t it? February was my last update. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. For a long time I just didn’t know what else to say here. I barely had the energy to get out of bed, let alone try to work out my problems here. Normally it’s really helpful but I felt like I was going in circles. After months of battling burnout, stress, anxiety, and depression my therapist brought up the idea of medication again. I was surprised. I had mentioned it before, and I had felt she didn’t think I really needed it. I was left with thoughts like “if she doesn’t think you need it, it can’t be that bad”. Don’t get me wrong, she was very supportive and vocalized it but I didn’t get the encouragement from her that I guess I was looking for the first time around.

Here is our before photo - I spent most of my time here on the couch, in sweatpants and with Navi keeping me company. If I wasn’t here I was probably in bed.

.

I haven’t had much to say in regards to my personal updates besides dropping a few little tidbits here and there in my other posts. I figure it’s time for a little update in case anyone else is in the same position or you just need to read that it’s okay that you’re not thriving.

Here’s the reader’s digest version of where I am at - I was burnt out from managing a retail store during a pandemic where my need for support was met with overworking myself and others and empathy without real solutions. I chose not to try to stay in that position because when I asked what support would look like it sounded like in a permanent role. there wouldn’t be anything different. I was battling constant fear and anxiety every day because customers no longer need to (and most don’t) wear masks when they come in. In order to manage that fear and anxiety throughout the pandemic I’ve had to keep my contacts limited. I had friends I haven’t seen in person in 2 years and some very occasionally because I don’t want to be the cause of spread. I’m also just so exhausted from the energy I expend at work that social interaction was hard for me. So I went from the trauma of being yelled at by strangers who don’t agree with our rules to fearing my personal space and safety being at risk. In general, When I was home, I slept, had trouble eating properly, and struggled to leave the house at all. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt “happy” or “joy’. I felt like I was working so hard to get through this “difficult time” but I didn’t really know what the point was, and that made it harder to bother working through it all. My depression and anxiety were in full swing - I would wake up in the morning and dread work and when I was there I would think about how many hours until I could leave and crawl back in bed. Short story even shorter - I was depressed and anxious all the time and I was not okay. (And yeah that’s the short version!)

After expressing all of that to my therapist in several sessions and despite my hard work and efforts with my coping strategies…it wasn’t getting any better and there was no room for anything else. We decided it was time to look into medication. I was already open to the idea, I think I was just nervous about not knowing what to expect. I had really great support and awesome friends who opened up about their experience but even then you wish you knew exactly what it was going to feel like. But I did it regardless because I just needed help and I wanted to my life back. It’s been about two months since I started Cipralex, and when I tell you I am transformed, I’m talking like…I am Sailor Moon doing that fancy Moon Tiara Power transformation into my alter ego that actually feels things again.

I don’t cry or have anxiety attacks before work, I’m actually improving in my performance and seeking opportunities to develop and grow in the company (while also holding firm boundaries). I have energy to support my coworkers and be there for them, and I have actually seen my friends again! I’m not so judgmental and annoyed at the people who come in without masks - I’m able to let go and not waste that energy. I have actually had days where I felt "happy” and when someone asked me how I was I said genuinely, “I’m actually really good!” What a change. My friends and family have noticed I’m more chipper and my best friend who I talk to every day said even the tone of my voice has changed drastically.

I knew the meds were working because there was one day where I went to my parents for a family dinner, and even that would have been hard for me when I was in the pit of despair. But that day was the first day that I felt like the cloud had lifted…like I wasn’t in this fog. I felt actually there. I felt present in my own body. I had fun. It was…it was wild. It felt so good. I think about zoom calls and family dinners before that and it feels like a fever dream. Like I wasn’t even really there.

All this to say…if you are in a hard place, and the work you’re putting in to get your life back is just not enough, it just means you might need some help. Talk to your therapist or your doctor. Talk to your friends. You would take Tylenol or Advil to help get rid of a headache right? So why not get some help with this too? I am so thankful to have support of people around me, and if you don’t have people like that, I want you to know you have me. If you think it’s right for you, it’s your body and your life. Not theirs. You deserve to get yourself back.

And here is our after!

Navi may not look as content and I don’t know if you can see the difference, but I am so much happier and so much more myself. I had such a great day when this was taken - the sun was out, I wore a dress, I felt good in my own skin, I did things that made me happy and did them with people who make me happy and it was just such a great day.