How to Be a Good Listener
Illustration by Mia Clow
I’m not going to proclaim that I’m a great listener. I can’t know that. Only the people who talk to me and feel willing to share with me can say whether or not I’m a good listener. But what I will say is that I do try to be a good listener. I try to be there for people in a way that is actually helpful. When you open up to someone and let yourself be vulnerable, the last thing you want is to walk away feeling like no one actually heard anything you said or like you’ve just wasted their time. You know what I’m going to say next… everyone is different. We all want different things when we seek comfort and an ear to listen. Here is my best attempt at some sort of guide for how to show up for someone when they make the choice to talk to you about something.
1.BE QUIET
I say that with love I really do. Sometimes we need to just remember to stop talking. This isn’t about us or what we have to say. Let the person talk. Let them say what they want to say, even if it’s an unproductive loop - they probably aren’t there for solutions. They are there to feel like someone is willing to listen. Just listen.
2. DON’T INTERRUPT
Don’t cut them off when they’re trying to explain themselves or express themselves. It might take them a while. They might stumble over their words. Don’t interrupt them and try to fill in the spaces. Let them work through it. It’s all part of the process. If you interrupt them, they might start to feel rushed and like you are tired of hearing them out. They might feel like a nuisance or like they’re annoying you. Practice patience.
3. LISTEN ACTIVELY
When you’re letting them speak, clarify things if you don’t understand. “What did you mean when you said…"?” “I’ve never heard of ____ before. What is it?” It will not only help you understand what is going on, but they will see that you are there and active in the conversation. You don’t have to be speaking to be active. Listen to what they're saying. My favourite quote is “Listen to understand, not to respond.”
4. ASK THEM HOW THEY’RE FEELING
If they haven’t already said, and they are talking to you about something emotional or triggering or scary that has happened, when they are done telling their story or have said what they want to say ask, “How are you feeling about all of that?” Don’t assume. Find out where they’re at. This will help you gauge what they are needing at that moment. They might already be over it, but there is only one way to find out.
5. ASK THEM WHAT THEY NEED
I can’t tell you how far this goes. When someone shares they are going through something, asking them what they need is a huge help. You’re not guessing in the dark. You’re showing up, letting them know you’re there, and listening to whatever it is they might need from you. “Do you want to talk about it or do you want a distraction?” can go a long way. A friend of mine, after I’ve said my piece says, “Do you want solutions or just to vent?” She’s checking in to see if I want her to help me brainstorm or if I just wanted to share and feel validated. This brings me to my next point…
6. VALIDATE THEM
Tell them that what they're feeling is valid. It’s okay to be sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, scared….it’s okay to feel. Let them know that there is nothing wrong with them for what they’re going through. We are human and have human emotions. Sometimes when we talk to someone about our struggles, we need reassurance that it’s okay to struggle. We are looking for someone to say, “That is really hard! You’re right, this is not easy.” We can feel whatever we want, we just shouldn’t always act on those feelings. It’s okay for them to be there though. Let them know that. Let your empathy show.
7. THANK THEM
Sharing can be scary. When someone comes to you for help or to share what is going on, that shows that they trust you and feel safe with you. That’s awesome. Keep that space safe. And it encourages them to do it again - especially important for those people that tend to keep it all locked up inside them. Thank them for trusting you, thank them for sharing. Tell them you are proud of them for working through it. Don’t back away from vocalizing the “sappy” stuff”. They just did a hard thing. Help them to feel good about it.
You’ll notice I don’t have any steps that say “Offer advice” or “Tell them what you would do in their shoes”. Sometimes offering advice and solutions can feel like you are belittling their problems. It’s usually well-intentioned but it can come across as “This problem is so easy to solve here is what you should do…” It also might be that those solutions are hard for the person sharing and that’s the point. It could be that right now there is no solution. Just leave the solutions at the door unless they ask for it. And if they do, avoid things like “You should….” or “You have to”. It’s brainstorming so think more along the lines of “What if you….would that work?” “I wonder if you did this….how do you feel about that?” Let them guide you. By being an active listener, you may help them find their own solution simply by giving them the space to think and talk it through. Why do you think therapy is so effective?
What do you think? Is that helpful? What do you want from someone when you decide to talk about something with them? What are some good habits to form when trying to be a good listener and be there for the people we care about?
-B