How to Support Me When I’m Panicking
Artwork by Mia Clow
I know you’ve seen articles and posts like this - about what to and not to say to someone during a panic attack. I figured…it’s already been done so why do it again? But I started thinking that just because I’ve read my fair share, doesn’t mean you have. And I shouldn’t assume everyone knows what to do just because I do.
So I’m going to try to make this simple by breaking it down into point form things to do and things not to do. As always, keep in mind this is specific to me, and not everyone with anxiety has the same needs. So always ask the person you’re trying to support if any of these fit for them too before assuming they do.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
“Try not to worry” or “Try not to Panic” - This is literally the title of my blog! The point of the title is that telling someone not to panic can actually induce more panic. It makes me feel out of control and like there is something wrong with me. So the reassurance of “okay, panic” is meant to be like saying “It’s okay that you’re worried or that you’re afraid.” It’s a lot easier than trying to fight against what you’re actually feeling.
Feed off my anxious energy - I know it’s not easy, but I learned recently that my anxious and panicking energy can translate to the people around me and then next thing you know we’re all rushing around making rash decisions trying to solve problems or change scenery. Instead the best way to support me is to stay grounded and calm and try to lead me there with you. This is especially important in a public place. If we all get panicked then we miss the opportunity for calming anxiety by thinking things through thoughtfully.
Ask me what I need - I don’t know if anyone else gets this, but when I’m panicking I can’t tell you what I need. I just need you to already know. When I’m like that I feel uncomfortable asking for things. I already feel like a burden and I have a hard time saying exactly what I need. That’s why reading articles like this are so important.
Show frustration - I understand that it’s okay to be frustrated inside, but any tiny little hint of frustration from you, will shut me down compeltely if I haven’t already. I need to feel comfortable being vulnerable and will almost always assume I’m a burden and annoying. A head shake, a sigh of exasperation, all those things will start negative thought spirals. They go into my brain and a voice says “Look, now you’ve upset everyone.”
Go silent - I know I just said don’t ask me what I need but I also need you to not completely stop talking to me. Because to me that tells me “this person is angry. They are not speaking to you. You have done something wrong.” So yeah let’s keep the conversation going.
WHAT TO DO:
Help Me Get to the Bottom of Things - Asking specific questions rather than more general ones is better for me. Help me figure out what it is that is triggering me. Instead of saying “We’ll figure it out.” let’s actually try to figure it out!! Or at least start the first steps of that process. This one is tricky though because sometimes when I’m sad or anxious I just need to talk and be validated so I get that it’s confusing. When I tell her I’m having a hard day, one of my friends says “Do you want to just vent or do you want me to offer some ideas?” (or something like that). It allows me to decide what I need and let’s the other person clarify what kind of a situation we’re in. I think usually if I’m in panic mode I need clear cut steps to solving things. I’ve in a more generalized state of depression or anxiety I need more validation and venting. If I say, “I don’t know” it’s probably that I want both but am too afraid to ask for it. (It’s a roller coaster!)
Take Me Aside and Help Me Think- If we’re in public help me get somewhere that I feel safe and not in the public eye. Doing this is a great first step to helping me think things through. Then we can both think things through and figure out the root of the issue and how we can stop the anxiety from digging its heels in. Together. That’s a really important part. Let me see that you’re there with me.
Reassure Me - Remind me somehow that I’m not a burden and I’m not annoying you and that I’m not alone. With words, with gestures, with talking me through it all. Even if you’ve reminded me before, I’ll need it again.
“What Could I have Done to Better Support You?” - Obviously you can paraphrase but the power of touching base with someone after and saying, what can I do next time? is huge! I dont’ always know how to come to you and tell you that - I don’t know if you’re open to feedback. You might need to take that initiative and show me that it’s important to you and give me the opportunity to say, “hey we could have handled that differently.” and explain how I feel when certain things happen. I will always try to approach it knowing that there was never harm intended, but the goal is to learn together. Not criticize. So if you ask this question, make sure you’re ready for the feedback.
I would love to see your lists too! I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything…what do you need and not need when you’re in high anxiety or panicking? I’d love to hear from you and I hope that this offers some helpful advice or at the very least triggers some great conversations!
As always ask me anything - I’m an open book.
Stay open, stay positive.
-B